So after C and K were both born I Loved being a mom...always have!! No matter what part of my life I was in (since having them) I loved being a mom....and I loved my babies more than any other thing in this world. No amount of depression or self destruction could take that love away!! Sometime I think that is why God gave them to me when he did. He knew I would soon be back at rock bottom and it would be my children that would keep me alive....keep me from fully giving up! I know my kids do not know what they have done for me but I just hope as a mom I can in return ALWAYS be there for them, no matter what. So I guess you can figure out by this I did go through another battle with severe depression, anxiety, self hate, etc etc etc. Looking back it is so hard for me to see how I could have even been so sad when I had my two precious babies that made me smile every day. But my troubles had nothing to do with them. They are my personal struggles and troubles. Even though I had two kids with me all the time I was lonely. I was lonely and I hated EVERYTHING about myself. I hated who I was, what I saw in the mirror..I was not the person I wanted to be. And I know without a doubt if it weren't for my precious gifts from God I would NOT be here today! Simple as that! But I would never and still will never give up because I could never hurt my kids and I cannot imagine a day without them.
But Kelly (husband) and I were fighting still and I was fighting so many inner battles...things I have never been able to tell anyone...and still haven't except for Kelly (and that was just this year and one of my best friends...again this year) But my battles with myself were causing battles with everyone else. I had a lot of support but I also think some liked my pain...it made them look better. While several in my life were supportive for me I feel some encouraged me to take more or other wrong paths. Maybe my struggles made them feel or look better? I got so depressed I stopped fixing myself up, (I was ugly anyways so why should I even try is an example of something I would tell myself) I would replay all the bad things in my life...and if I shared them all..well lets just say they would need a blog of their own, not just a few post, ha!! I have been through so much in my life from things in my childhood all the way up to this point. But lets be honest who hasn't?
The point came where I knew I couldn't end my own life (literally) so I would end my marriage. I remember the painful things I said to Kelly and I feel so bad about them now. I hope he knows I didn't mean them. At that time I just wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. I told him I was leaving several times. He would never chase after me...at first then he would convince me to come back. Finally I was DONE..we were never going to change...I know now I was just looking for somehow to run away. I broke Kellys heart and he cried and promised me if I would stay our lives would change. I believed him....WHY you may ask. Well regardless of the pain I had in my marriage and with myself none of it was ever caused by him being dishonest. He never lied to me. He was always honest with me so why should I question him now?!
Kelly agreed to do the "LOVE DARE" and oh he was so good at it. Honestly and don't ever tell him I said this but he was better and more committed (at times) with it than I was. There were even days I wouldn't read it but He did. I had already had in my mind he didnt want me (I didnt even want me). BUt this book/dare as silly as it sounds was a stepping stone in bringing us back together. More importantly bringing us closer to God and founding our relationship on HIM. I remember Kelly saying one day if I would't leave we would start going to church. ...So we did and we eventually put GOD back in our lives, both personally and in our family and marriage. I had/Have never felt a stronger connection with my LORD as I do now. We joined a church and fully committed EVERYTHING we have to GOD. I could go on forever to say how much my life has changed since I finally let God call the shots and lead my life. I am so excited about His Love. For the first time in my life I was able to go off ALL medication for my depression....AND I AM SOOOO HAPPY. Now I am not saying every day is easy but I HAVE BEEN REDEEMED I am forgiven and set free!!!. I AM HAPPY. I no longer cry out in pain or anger. I see GOD in all my life....the past and the present and I know He is in my future..forever. I am committed to serve him for the rest of my days!!
Now when I look back over my past I see how God never left me!! He always had a plan for me and always protected me. Even though I may have experienced abuse of all sorts, Severe depression, self hatred, loss of a child, experiment with drugs and alcohol and so much more He also gave me SOOO many miracles. Even I am one of His wonderful miracles...AND SO ARE YOU!! We are all Gods children and one of his wondrous miracles. I know now why God has led me to work in counseling...I have been through so much that I am pretty sure I can relate with just about anyone. But I can glorify God now even at the worst points in my life. Each and every experience has brought me closer to God today. They formed me into the person I am now. The one who want to be there for everyone else and tell them they too can be saved!! It is never too late to turn to Jesus...He has not nor will not ever turn you away!! I can honestly say this is the happiest I have ever been in my life! What is there not to be happy about? Even when life is hard (yes my life is still hard) and even when I get down on myself I am still a child of God and He loves me just as I am!! These past several years have been the best years of my life and I am so excited about more to come! I know God has great plans for me/us!! I am also so thankful for a husband who never gave up on me and who knows ALL my flaws and seen me at my worst but still LOVES me. I am thankful he too is such a strong man of God and that our marriage and our personal lives are now fully committed to GOD
GOD IS SO GOOD...THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!!