I felt disgusting, useless, hopeless, and embarrassed. I was depending on a man-made system, the court for justice...instead of God. Instead this man was free of charges! I felt God answered that man's prayer over mines and with that I put myself in this jail of confusion, hurt and depression. By this time, I ran away from the issue and I moved to a different state...instead of praying. I left. I AM TAMAR. I met Amnon plently of times in my life. The physical ones (the rape I endured, sexual sin), the emotional ones (the one that had some things in his past that I was too good of a woman to him. I seem like a lie and no trust. Or the pastor that I worked with telling me about his troubled marriage and touching my inner thigh inappropriately), the spiritual ones (you know the brother in Christ, or the one who deceives...says one thing and does another).
T.D. Jakes said “One of the things that makes many women vulnerable to different types of abuse and manipulation is their maternal instinct...men will capitalize to have their way. It seems that more helpless a man acts, the more maternal you become.” I cannot count how many times I have helped someone with attention, love, money and even time, but as soon as I have some deep trouble there was no Adam, Boaz, Samson, not even a Joseph and Joseph, a just man, took in Mary and a baby that wasn't even his. Even before he heard from an Angel he still respected and loved Mary enough to not get her stoned. As soon as I wanted a relationship, (even downgrading to the worldy kind) these men would rather see me stoned dead. This isn't just about Amnons' its about Delilahs' too. I felt hurt by girls in high school...folks stopped hanging with me, stopped calling, doing deceitful acts towards me without caring how it would make me feel. I hardly trusted females throughout my life...and with that...you have to be careful with lonliness because Satan knows how to feed off of it. Women, the remedy in this hollywood love themed nation is a man. Whose going to bring you that man if you don't know God...Satan.
Amnon is hazardous. I got used to deceivers...How do you get used to accepting pain? Can you believe I found or made myself believe that their was a peace in it.Oh, I was in trouble (there's more). I was not a harlot...I didn't put myself out there to ask for the pain. I was crying out to the wrong men “Carest thou not that I perish!” I am TAMAR. It got worse...I almost procreated well, I did with Amnon...I was devestated! Girls nowadays are like “Oh yes, I am pregnant!! I'm so happy!!” Not me, I was scared. This isnt what God wanted...I found peace with my sin that just maybe something beautiful will come from it. I thought I was experiencing regular pregnancy crap so I thought this pain was normal and I drove myself to the hospital. At first there no sound on the sonogram, and then I heard something so beautiful...I heard life! Next thing you know I was admitted to the hospital without reason. Someone taking my blood, I'm getting an IV and no one knows anything. Doc came in and told me “Emergency surgery, we have to remove your right tube and the baby or you will die” What? Excuse me? My mind was racing and mind you I was alone dealing with this (my mom was on the phone with me) but physically I was alone. I asked Amnon (the father) to come but he was too preoccupied with another woman. I won't know the sex of this baby, wont be able to see his/her face...I'm not a mother anymore.
I started bleeding and morphine wasn't working and death wasn't such a bad idea. I was in recovery for a SHORT time as soon as I woke up in pain I was being escorted by my friend and my sister. I hated Mother's day, new mothers I was jealous of, I would cry, I felt like less of a woman and October is always a hard month for me. I am TAMAR. I am still here. I was broken, sad, confused and unwanted. I thought I was wanted by a friend I knew for years, but he betrayed and lied to me...ended up back with his babymother. So....I traveled to Germany (running away) I needed a break...that was the worst break in my life, but thats where my atmosphere started to shift. In Sept, I chose May to be my vacation month for no reason at all before going to Germany. I was ready to leave Germany once I stepped foot in there, I didnt care about my house payment or any expenses. Don't you know God sold my house in April and I closed on my house in MAY! I had this feeling of moving back to Nelson County because I wanted to go to church with my cousin and be with my loving mother and niece. I got in a bad car accident on my way home ...my car was totaled. I still feel the devil knew what this church was going to do to me. I was unemployed but I was employed by the church ...bible study and worshipping on Sunday. God eventually supplied me with a job and not only that, but a car and a house.
The devil was jealous of my peace and as soon as I left my comfort zone. I failed ...Amnon back again! You serious??? That fear that I instilled in myself gave Satan the go ahead. Fear and loneliness; those demons had a new home to cause havoc. I started to pray, started to have service in my basement, repenting, singing and shouting praise. I gained new friends of God. I started to make environmental changes and creating boundaries. God started communicating in my dreams and it scared me to death. I had the right artillary but not the right heart...Amnon looked different this time he started to look more like Balaam. Balaam prayed with me, he was a part of the church, he was telling me how a church woman should present herself, Balaam got me away from Amnon...and Balaam wanted and felt the same thing I felt. He did and said the right things at least for awhile and then I was mislead with the spiritual help given along with the sin.
Not anymore! Not anymore! My GOD is moving in me and my past no matter how bad it was it wasn't enough to keep me away from my true love GOD. In case you missed the great things God has done for me let me remind you:
Naturally, writing, music, magazines, and movies became my friends. Even though I accepted Christ at the age of 10, I didn't always draw to Him for inspiration. My inspiration came from my favorite celebrities. In my mind, I believed that since they didn't know me personally, they couldn't hurt me. Sad, right? I had a few people in my life who I associated with, but I only saw them at school so my time alone in my room was great for me. There was no pressure to be something that I wasn't and I felt free. But I was still caged within my surroundings. I truly understood, Maya Angelou's, infamous book, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." That's exactly how I felt. Caged with nowhere to go. I use to make jokes with my friends, that I was "Celie" in "The Color Purple", "Precious", "Antwon Fisher", and so on and so on. I literally saw myself within those characters.
As time went on, I went to college and met people. Being in that environment was even worse because there was no accountability and in my mind I finally had freedom. I made good grades but I still found myself in situations that were no good and I felt that I needed to date someone to feel, "normal". I would later learn that randomly dating someone is so boring. I would rather be courted for a purpose. Honestly, I've always believed that being "abnormal" is normal, lol (not giving in to peer pressure, being set apart from worldly pleasures, having crazy faith in the unseen, etc). I can remember dating briefly in high school but it wasn't anything serious. I took the situation serious, but of course it was all a game to them. I will never forget the words my mother said to me when I was having a bad attitude one day: "If you want attention, you better find it in that boy," That was death to my self-esteem. Words are powerful and it is so important to know your worth as a person.
As I look back, I realized that because of what I saw as a child, that's how I viewed relationships. I literally lived out those words that were spoken over me. As a young woman, I had a responsibility to know my worth. Even though I made a decision to leave my family, I still found myself in unhealthy relationships with others. I allowed myself to endure name-calling, false accusations, mind-games, manipulation, and constant disrespect. I even encountered a situation where my privacy was invaded and I became angry and physical with the other person. That's when I became scared. Scared of myself and who I had become. I didn't know who to trust anymore and I was afraid of being an abusive person. I realized that I needed help and that I can't continue to place myself in unhealthy situations. My livelihood and worth are more important than being with people who don't value me as a person. I'm so happy to know Jesus Christ as my Savior. Even though, I didn't always acknowledge Him, He tugged on my heart so many times to remove myself from those situations. Ever since I made that one decision on January 5, 2008, the Lord has been faithful. I admit, it wasn't an easy choice because I struggled with my emotions. But the Lord has kept me through it all. He provided for me when I lacked, allowed Godly relationships to be formed, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and just simply loved me where I was. He continuously loves me unconditionally. As I write this, I feel joy because I made a decision that was best for me, not my mother, father, or anybody else. I loved myself enough to say, "no" and to trust God. Regardless, of where you start, it does not have to be the end. Anyone who is reading this, please get out of those relationships that are causing you pain. Seek help from loved ones. Go to a shelter. Write an escape plan. (I remember writing out where I was going, my important documents, etc.) Love yourself enough to get out!!! Abuse is a topic that we as Christians do not like to discuss, but we need to be more transparent and talk about it. Discussion can be the defining moment for someone's life. "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."
Proverbs 18:21. Which one will you choose?
FB: Lequvia K. Ousley