Here’s a fun fact about little Miss Angel; I have very opposing personality traits all in one person which makes life kind of interesting. I don’t mean this is in a crazy bipolar type tendencies way, but more so for instance I’m a very structured organized person that wants things to go exactly as to plan but I’m also a huge procrastinator, pretty messy, and I like things pretty informal and not structured. Like I said, it makes for an interesting life. I say all that to say that one of my “fun” opposing personality traits that I have is that I’m really open because I think it’s important to be transparent…yet I’m also very guarded and it’s a lot that I don’t share for various reasons. With that being said, if you watched the video on The Self Sufficient Christian towards the end you noticed I was talking about an issue but not really talking about it and that was because I wasn’t really ready to share it because I didn’t want it to be taken out of context. In case it’s not painfully obvious, I always feel like I have to overly explain myself so that the things I say are not taken out of context which is why my videos/blogs are always so long. However, I talked to my pastor and his wife about this topic yesterday and it made me realize that it’s not abnormal for me to feel this way and that maybe other people have these thoughts/concerns as well so I decided to share and here it goes…
Believe it or not, I have a huge complex with the thought of marriage. On one hand I have a strong desire to be married but on the other hand I have quite a few reservations regarding it. Just hear me out; will I get married? Yes I will, but I have some fears associated with it that has definitely pumped the brakes on me wanting to pursue marriage. One of those fears is that I don’t want to end up divorced. You hear Christians say that divorce is not an option but the reality is that is not true. Divorce is very much so an option but it’s up to the two people involved to choose otherwise. There are Christians who get divorced all the time and it’s not because they’re not really saved or that they didn’t really have a relationship with God but simply put marriage is hard work and a daily choice to choose your spouse over divorce. I want to make sure that what I am saying isn’t taken out of context at all; I am not condoning divorce none whatsoever! The bible does not condone divorce and I’m not telling people that it’s okay for them to take the option to divorce at all. The reality however, is that there are saved people who get divorced even in spite of the bible telling husband and wife to stay together. Marriage is so much more than a wedding or a ring. It is work, like a lot of work, and it requires you to selflessly love another person. It’s supposed to be a lifetime commitment not just an update to your facebook relationship status. The other side to it is the idea of FOREVER. That’s a long time….like a REALLY LONG time. In contrast to my thoughts on divorce, I have a fear of feeling like I have to stay in a marriage where in the best way to put it we just end up not liking each other anymore so instead of being husband and wife it’s like we’re just roommates.
The way I view marriage is that it’s the closest thing to really having to understand Jesus’ love for us; well that and having a child. (I’m definitely not saying that you cannot experience or understand this love if you never get married or never have a child). It’s the unconditional love of loving a person in spite of any and everything; having to forgive the unforgivable, having to look beyond all their flaws, having to love the unlovable in them, sticking it out when you don’t feel like it. That’s kind of a scary thought…the thought of having to make the choice to continue to love that person and stay when situations arise that if it was a boyfriend or girlfriend you would end it. I wonder would I have the strength to stay through adultery, addictions, and other things that could happen after we say I do. I’m definitely not trying to act as though there are no deal breakers in marriage so don’t think that I’m saying to stick it out when someone is beating you or something drastic. The reality is however, in your marriage you and your spouse will face some difficult times no matter how saved you both are and you will have a choice to make to forgive them which may not always be an easy decision.
Now to the other side which is just dealing with my mess…I don’t want to get married to this amazing man of God and end up making him an idol because I discover while married that I never allowed myself to completely fall in love with Jesus as a single and allow Him to be completely everything to me as an individual first. I’m just going to go ahead and throw this out there; I am very protective of my purpose (some like to call it guarded with an electric fence and rabid Rottweiler’s) so whoever I choose to yoke myself up with it has to be right no if, ands, or buts about it. Whoever I marry affects me spiritually and that in return will have an influence on God’s ministry that He has given me. I also struggle with the realization that I won’t be perfect going into my marriage and that there will be things that God will have to develop in me as a wife versus a single but also wanting to “get myself together” before becoming a wife. My pastor nicely checked me on that yesterday by saying I can spend so much time trying to get myself together for marriage that I miss the man that God has for me. Insert big eyed emoji! Something that God has had to show me is to not focus on being a better woman to be a wife but to desire to be a better woman to be a better person and that will encompass all aspects of being a woman.
I shared a ton of negative but now I want to share what I was encouraged with in talks that I’ve had with great men and women of God. First John 4:18 tells us that “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love” (KJV). This is the verse that popped up in my phone just after I had this conversation with my best friend a few weeks back. She reminded me that God has not given us a spirit of fear so anytime we have fear or anxiety over a situation it’s pretty safe to say that it is not of God. God created marriage to be a great thing; there is no reason to fear it when you allow God to be the center and foundation of your marriage. Will it be easy? No, but God will help you through it and give you both the strength to keep pressing through those hard times and to fight for your marriage. The biggest reality was that I had to trust that God is not going to present me to a jacked up wimpy man with no vision, no leadership skills, or who doesn’t have a heart for Him. He’s protective of my purpose even more than I am so I don’t have to worry about that if I allow Him to do the choosing. Lastly, it’s normal to have the concerns and reservations BUT don’t over think it! Stop worrying! (Matthew 6:25-34). It’s good to take these things into consideration as a single but you don’t have to worry about every single detail of how it all is going to come together. Trust God with it.